When I woke up on Thursday I began having a sharp pain in my right side that didn’t feel like the normal backaches that I’ve been getting. I didn’t worry too much, though, because I had been coughing a lot and I figured I pulled a muscle. By the time I went to work it had gone away.

A few hours later while I was at work the pain returned. It was quite sharp, made me nauseous, and I couldn’t ignore it. My coworkers encouraged me to call my doctor, and although I didn’t think anything was seriously wrong, I called because I’m now responsible for the life of another person and I don’t want to take any chances.

Thankfully my doctor’s office is connected to the building I work in, so I was able to go see her quickly. By the time I got there the pain had gone again. After being examined and talking with her we were both pretty sure that the pain was a result of my coughing and possibly gas, so she gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer, told me to take an Epsom salt bath, and if the pain came back I needed to call her again. The thing she was most worried about was that I might have appendicitis. She said if I wasn’t a nurse she would probably be sending me to get scanned right then.

I returned to work, but within an hour the pain had returned and I was concerned. I went back to my doctor and she decided to admit me to the hospital for observation. I was bummed, but I was a good patient and checked myself in.

It was pretty interesting being a patient in the hospital where I work. My nurse just handed me the computer and let me fill out my own admission profile. They started an IV with fluids because I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink, drew blood, and had me leave a urine sample. A surgeon came to see me per protocol, although she said she wasn’t too worried about me.

Although the pain wasn’t near as bad by this point, I was still uncomfortable and had a cough that was turning into a legitimate sickness. There was a lot of time that I was left alone, and I began to feel really stupid for being there, and quite lonely. Finally my husband came and I was so happy to see him. My spirits were raised and he was able to stay with me while I got a complete ultrasound of the abdomen and kidneys. They were focusing on my organs, but we did get to see Meredith a little bit, and we were assured that she’s still a girl!

By the time the scan was finished it was quite late so David went home to take care of the dogs and I attempted to sleep. It wasn’t easy, and when they woke me up at 5 a.m. to draw blood I stayed awake. I was dreaming of a huge breakfast, and I figured that a doctor would be in to see me soon and let me eat and go home. But everything moved so slowly, and I ended up staying there until the afternoon with only clear liquids to eat and drink. I was so disappointed!

First the surgery resident came to see me, but he didn’t have much authority. A little later my OB came by, and although she was no longer very worried about appendicitis (they couldn’t even find my appendix on the ultrasound) she did mention a few other things. I had bacteria in my urine, so she prescribed me antibiotics, and she noticed that all my blood counts were lower than she expected them to be. I’ve been on iron supplements for months now and my body hasn’t responded at all. So in a few weeks, once I’m recovered from whatever virus I have that is causing my cough and congestion, she’s going to do some more specific blood tests.

Even after she came I still had to wait for the surgeon to release me, which took another couple of hours. I was so bored. I couldn’t focus or relax enough to read and I had no one to keep me company except my little girl. The best parts were when they came to check the fetal heart tones, and I got to listen to her heartbeat and hear her moving around.

Everything took a long time. Finally I was able to leave, and my parents picked me up. As soon as I got in the car, the original pain came back, but by this time I was 99% sure that it was just gas or something – apparently pregnancy changes the way everything feels. Still, that didn’t stop me from consuming an entire Grand Slam breakfast from Denny’s. I came home, took a muscle relaxer, went to sleep around 6 p.m. and didn’t wake up until late this morning.

Now I still feel sick, but it’s a normal cold-type sickness combined with a groggy hangover feeling from the muscle relaxer (I’m somewhat sensitive to those things). I plan to spend the rest of the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing, since I really need to be at work on Monday for a big audit we’ve been preparing for all year.

Happy weekend everyone!

As I mentioned in my resolutions post, one of the things I’m doing this year is reading Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project and creating my own based on her method. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, there is a chapter for each month of the year and each month is about a different area of life. Then you  make resolutions for the month based on that area, and it is all supposed to work toward a happier life.

January’s focus is vitality, or boosting energy. To summarize Gretchen, when you have energy everything is better and easier so it makes sense to start with this. I realize that I should have read the chapter before January 1st so I could start on my resolutions right away, but that didn’t happen. So I’m a little behind this month, but that’s okay. It’s a work in progress.

My January resolutions:

1. Walk at least one of our dogs twice a week (more if possible)
2. Start exercising (yoga or swimming) at least once a week
3. Seriously purge and declutter
4. Create a command central binder
5. Accomplish three nagging tasks

As you can see, my resolutions relate to physical and mental energy. Everyone’s needs are different; notice that I didn’t include anything about getting more sleep, because I already get a lot and that’s something that I’m really good at. I’m especially excited about the organizing & decluttering, but I better get working!

I’m so excited about this project. Have any of you read the book or created happiness projects of your own?

So today, since I was by myself, she billed my visit with a special code called “family without patient,” even though I’ve become the patient. Funny.

I didn’t make a follow-up appointment, at least not yet. I don’t know what else to say to her right now. I know what my problem is. We’ve had an extremely difficult year, David and I, with too much going on. So I’ve been dealing with those things.

Some of them are resolving on their own. For example, David is up and around and again, so I no longer have to do all the housework and errands and dog-caring myself. And with him working a lot of the anxiety I had over finances has dissipated.

Some things I had to change to make myself happy. The biggest thing I did was interview for and accept a new job. Starting November 8th I’ll be transferring to my hospital’s outpatient cancer center, where I’ll be giving chemotherapy, blood transfusions, and the like. This is the sort of job that I get to graduate to since I put in my dues with inpatient. I’ll get every weekend and every holiday off, and hopefully my days will be less hectic and will involve less death and dying.

(I do want to mention, though, that I have loved the unit that I work on, am grateful for all the experience it gave me, and will miss a lot of people there. But it’s just crazy.)

I’ve also learned to change a lot of behavior, or at least I’m working on it. I’ve realized that it’s okay to cut myself some slack when it comes to the house being perfectly clean or with exercising every free day I get. And although I’m trying hard to follow my nutritionist’s advice and eat gluten- and dairy-free, I decided that there’s some things I’m just not willing to give up. I’ll just do my best.

The one thing that I still deal with every single day is infertility. It blows my mind that if I hadn’t have miscarried I’d be a mother now. But I’m not, and I don’t know when I will be. These days, when I experience moments of overwhelming sadness it’s usually related to this.

But at least it’s an improvement over being sad all the time for no discernible reason at all.

Well, I’m feeling a bit better.

I can’t say that I’m back to my usual self yet. I still get overwhelmed by small stresses that shouldn’t faze me. I still don’t have the energy I’m used to, and I haven’t recovered all the joy I lost for things like reading, being active, and participating in this lovely online community. Honestly, right now I’m barely participating in my real life community. I still notice physical discomfort more than I should.

But I’m getting better, and I’ve been working really hard to keep going that direction.

First, I needed cut back on some responsibilities and give myself a break, so I turned over the reigns of the church youth group to David and his brother Scott. I still want to be involved with these kids, but right now I can’t be the one in charge. I also put a halt on any projects around the house, and just did what I had to do to keep things tidy-ish. (I still had to keep doing chores because at a certain point the state of the house would just add to my insanity.) A little over a week ago David said a willing goodbye to his walker, and since then he’s been helping me with errands which is such a relief.

Something else that has been stressing me out is our finances, since David was off work for an extended period of time. So we began attending Financial Peace University, and although it’s a difficult program, the hope it offers to pay off debt and build wealth is unmatched. David went back to work this week, so we will have a little breathing room in our budget again soon.

I’ve been exercising. I haven’t felt like it most of the time, but I know the power of endorphins. I play soccer every other weekend (which practically kills me) and then I’m running the Couch to 5k program on my days off, and I’m on week 5. I don’t even try to run on days I work right now. I think my fitness is improving.

David and I decided to go back to see our counselor again. It took a couple weeks to get an appointment, but our first session is today. Our marriage is wonderful–we celebrated two years on Sunday–but this has been a difficult time for both of us so we want to talk it out together. Even though David has been physically hindered for the past few months, emotionally he has been holding me up. I’m so grateful for him.

One of the biggest decisions I made was to see a nutritionist. Since I recently stopped eating meat for the most part, and for over a month I hadn’t really been feeling well, I decided I needed professional advice. I talked to her about everything from my physical symptoms to my depression to my infertility. She was wonderfully hopeful and put me on supplements for energy and to regulate my cycle. She also recommended that I try a gluten and dairy free diet. Gluten, because it has probably either caused or at least exacerbated my polycystic ovarian syndrome. Dairy, because many people are intolerant of it and they just don’t realize it. She thinks she can get me pregnant without medical intervention, so I’m willing to give it a shot. The diet, though, is hard. I’m still getting used to it.

So that’s my update. I miss this space, and I miss being in touch. I know I’m not doing very well at reaching out, but every time someone sends me an email or a message or a note in the mail, I get a little bit happier. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Our experience this time around was much different than the last. We didn’t have near as many visitors and much less attention from the hospital staff. We aren’t having meals provided for us, but we didn’t ask. We knew what to expect this time so we have done some things differently making for an easier transition, and I’m only taking one week off work.

David had better pain control this time once the first several hours post-op passed, and he didn’t have the persistent fevers like before, so we were ready to leave the hospital on Saturday. That morning they took his catheter out, so before they could release us he had to prove to them that he could pee on his own. He told me, “Hey, if you have to pee, go in the urinal.” Of course as a nurse I staunchly refused such trickery. But then later I caught him holding cold water underneath his tongue right before they came to take his vital signs. When I questioned him he said he didn’t want them to keep him there needlessly if he had a fever.

I married a sneaky patient, but at least we got to come home early!

(Wow, now I really do feel old. Do I have nothing better to write about than this? Ah, well.)

Reproductive Endocrinologist

First up I went to follow up regarding my most recent cycle. As my doctor said, “the plot thickens” and I’m left a lot more to think about than when I went in.

Regarding what happened with my failed cycle, apparently my body didn’t respond to Clomid and I didn’t end up ovulating at all. My uterine lining didn’t even thicken. She was really surprised, but it happens. But before we can move on to the next cycle, we have to deal with something that was seen on my ultrasound which is possibly a uterine septum. I had never heard of this before, but it is a birth defect where there is a piece of tissue separating the uterus and puts you at a very high risk of miscarriage. It’s not diagnosed by an ultrasound but by an HSG, which is a test where they inject dye through my cervix and take an x-ray. I’ve already had an HSG, and nothing was mentioned about uterine septum on the report. So my doctor wants to take a look at the films herself, and if there is any suspicion at all she’ll have me repeat the procedure. If I do have uterine septum I’ll undergo minor surgery to have it fixed and that will be that.

In the meantime she put me on a medication called glucophage which is normally an antidiabetic drug but will also help sensitize my body to Clomid. If I don’t have uterine septum, once I work up to the full dose of glucophage I’ll take another med (prometrium) to induce my period and then start on the highest dose of Clomid they prescribe. Then we’ll go from there just like the last time.

Oh, and apparently one of my labs (prolactin) came back slightly elevated, which she thinks might be an error so she wants it repeated at the beginning of my next cycle. I have no idea what happens if it comes back abnormal again.

Wasn’t that fun to read about? Now, moving on to David’s situation.

Orthopedic Surgeon

The good news is that David has been cleared to walk and drive! I know he’s happy to be mobile again, and I’m happy to have my errand boy back. ;) But for a month he’s had to put all his weight on his left leg, and the disease is in that hip as well. For the past week it’s been hurting him more and more, so we decided to go ahead and get that one replaced as soon as possible.

His surgery is scheduled for September 2. Two weeks away.

I can’t wait until it’s over with, and even though his doctor told us he’d most likely have a pretty rough recovery we both know that he needs to just do it because his pain is only going to get worse. He’s off work this whole time – unpaid – and he needs to get back and get 100%.

What we’re praying for is another successful surgery, easy recovery, and for financial provision. Our budget is already on lockdown because we weren’t prepared to be living off one salary, and I don’t know how long we can last without going into significant debt (we already have some). It’s another area that we’re learning to sacrifice and trust.

***

If you made it through this whole boring post, it probably means you actually care about what’s going on with us, and for that I am truly, deeply grateful! All of your comments, emails, texts, and phone calls have lifted me up and kept me going. Over the past few days I’ve found a lot of peace and comfort, and I am content with my life and whatever it has in store for me.

Every day is a new, grand adventure. :)

Clockwise from top left: the patient’s domain, my home nursing shelf, Cleo wondering what’s going on around here, and the huge pile of snacks that we’ve amassed.

My patient is improving by leaps & bounds, and soon he’ll be zooming around. But for the first month he still can’t put any weight on his right leg and he can’t drive himself anywhere. That means he still needs help doing some fairly simple things like going to the bathroom, showering, and having meals prepared. In addition to activities of daily living, I also have to give him a shot in his belly once a day, give him his medication, help him do his physical therapy, & change his surgical dressing once a day.

I love having my husband as a patient, but in the meantime I don’t think I’ve been taking very good care of myself. The only time I leave the house is to get the mail, go to the pharmacy, or attend a previously set obligation. I sleep late, don’t shower till midafternoon (if at all), hardly ever put on makeup, and eat junk. Then there’s the fact that David’s family is getting ready to leave on their vacation that we were supposed to go on, while I’m faced with the prospect of going back to work with nothing to look forward to. The result of this lifestyle & attitude is that I have been getting progressively more and more depressed.

This morning David gave me a wake-up call when he told me that he was really worried about me & that he was feeling guilty about being the cause of my sadness. In reality it has nothing to do with him–I absolutely love all the time we’re getting to spend together–but obviously I’m just not being good to myself. When I have days off from work during the week I’ll routinely spend all day at home and enjoy it, but doing that for an extended period of time is just not healthy for me.

So this is what I’m doing to get happy again:

First, I had a cup of coffee and took a few deep breaths.

Next, I called work and told my boss that I’m taking another week off. I don’t want to stress about going back too soon or feel guilty that I should be there and not at home. I want a little more time to relax.

Finally, I made a list of fun and–since we’re kind of broke right now–free things I can do at home or in the area in the next week that will make me happy and make it seem a little like vacation. This is my list so far:

• Take the dogs to the dog park
• Start running again
• Watch Glee on Netflix
• Visit the Orange Show Monument and Beer Can House
• Use the spa gift card my family got me
• Use the Groupons I have stored: one for microdermabrasion, another for products at an earth-friendly store
• Go to the yoga studio
• See a movie (I have a couple free passes I got at work)
• Send some “just because” cards
• Figure out some sort of project to do around the house

So far so good, I think. It starts now.

What about you? If you had a week to spend at home and not much money to spend, what would you do to make it into a vacation?

Partial family portrait at the hospital

It was an interesting experience staying in the hospital with my husband for a few days and NOT being the nurse. Although there were a few frustrating moments, overall we had a great experience. We liked certain staff members more than others. And actually, I think the whole ordeal will make me a better nurse. Here are some things I learned:

• When you walk into a patient’s room, introduce yourself. Even if you’re not assigned to that patient and are just helping out, let the patient know why you’re there. About a million people came in and out of our room and we didn’t know who half of them were. It was strange.
• If you are taking care of a patient, let them know how long you will be there. They need to know who to ask for help. Also, it would be nice if you let them know when you’re leaving.
• If you have to wake a patient up in the early morning to draw blood, don’t do it by bursting into the room and turning on the lights. Here’s an idea: gently rouse them and let them know you’ll be turning on the lights so they can brace themselves.
• Remember what they taught you in nursing school: pain is what the patient says it is. Every patient reacts differently to pain medicine. Just because someone is getting what you think is a high dose, doesn’t mean it is effective. There is always something else you can do.
• If you see family pictures put up, comment on them. Ask who they are, say that the babies are cute. It’ll make the patient feel like you care.
• Just smile and be friendly already! You may be having a terrible day, but I guarantee your patients aren’t having the best day of their lives either. Your attitude makes a huge difference.

We were in the hospital for three days. The surgery went well, and although he had a pretty high fever every day, they can’t find any cause for it. It was a rough time, painful for him and painful for me to watch him in pain and not be able to do anything. If we thought we were intimate before, we had no idea. But every day David looks better, moves better, feels better.

We’re so happy to be home.

So last night at 10 p.m. (only an hour after I got home from work; it was a long day) I sat down to read the packet in detail. It included advice on things to do before surgery, such as:

• Be familiar with the guidelines and benefits covered by your insurance company – we have no idea
• Make a list of your medications – done and already submitted
• Make plans for transportation home & someone to stay with you at home for 7-10 days – that’s me!
• Fix up your home so that it is safe & uncluttered – always
• Obtain adaptive devices such as raised toilet seat, hand held showerhead, etc. – nope, hoping the hospital will fix us up
• Stop blood-thinning medication seven days prior to surgery – oops, David took an ibuprofen yesterday. Oh well.

In addition to those instructions, I have a checklist of my own. It is as follows:

• Sleep in – sort of done. Dogs were having panic attacks all night long which resulted in me getting pawed at and whined at every thirty minutes. Curled into a ball, put in ear plugs, and diligently ignored them until 9:30 a.m.
• Take a really, really good shower and shave
• Encourage David to do the same
• Do my nails
• Clean the house from top to bottom
• Do all laundry
• Return overdue library books
• Drop the dogs off at miscellaneous family’s houses
• Grocery shopping
• Make copies of house key
• Get power of attorney paperwork signed and notarized
• Figure out our financial situation
• Pray, pray, pray

The next few weeks are going to be quite an experience.

Lately I’ve become extremely interested in natural wellness. Usually people in the medical field have a reputation for being reliant on drugs and medication, and as a nurse I do believe that they have their place. In my field (cancer and blood disorders) I see patients where things have gone horribly wrong in their bodies, and medications can save or extend their lives but also take an overwhelming toll on them.

Up until this year I have taken my health for granted. Growing up I would experience the occasional sickness or headache, but nothing too out of the ordinary. This year I have felt betrayed by my body several times over, and it’s jolted me into awareness. I still consider myself a healthy person overall, but I want to start taking care of myself naturally before things get worse.

I’ve begun actively seeking non-drug treatments for any issues I have. Personally my main concerns are infertility, nutrition, and headaches, but underneath that is the desire for overall wellness. Some of the things I’m pursuing are acupuncture, massage, chiropractic care, fitness, and a nutritional overhaul. It’s going to be a process, and unfortunately it won’t be cheap. You’d think that since I work in a hospital I’d have great insurance, but that’s not the case. I have in-network benefits only and that network is basically limited to the hospital system.

Of course I’m not completely shunning the medical community; it is my profession after all, and one I’m passionate about. But I’m not the kind of nurse that pushes medication on my patients; I encourage them to decide what is best for them and to consider other options. I personally still see a primary care doctor once a year for physicals, and I do plan to undergo fertility treatment. Maybe the natural treatments & changes I’m taking on would allow me to get (and stay) pregnant, but I’m a little bit impatient in that area.

I’d like to share the journey with you, so from time to time I’ll be posting about each aspect of natural health & treatments that I’m experiencing.

What are your health concerns? What kind of natural solutions have you found effective or ineffective? Is there anything I should try?