***

Cast of Characters (in order of appearance):

IRS: A government force that S tries desperately to reckon with.

S: A good liberal and newly single (albeit not yet legally) working girl who happens to be quite poor, though these two facts are probably unrelated.

Sister: Sister of S, an accountant and a conservative.

STBEH: Soon To Be Ex-Husband of S, a naturally benevolent man who has (understandable) issues with S.

NYEG: New Year’s Eve Guy, boyfriend of S but who may harbor the slight fear that S is a total basketcase, since he’s only known her since, well, New Year’s Eve, and also since it’s very probable that S is, in fact, a total basketcase.

Audience: You.

Company: Not really all that different from the IRS, except not a government operation, which translates to: GREEDIER.

Facebook: An often ill-advised forum for S’s generation.

Coworkers: A sympathetic ear for S who will stab her in the back if need be.

Bosses: Masters of S’s fate, tools of Company.

***

Act 1, Scene 1
IRS: THAT’LL BE $452.
S: How can that be? I make so little money as it is.
IRS: DO NOT QUESTION OUR WAYS OR YOU WILL PAY. MORE.

Act 1, Scene 2
S: Sister, how can this be?
Sister: It’s Obama’s fault. But double check.

Act 1, Scene 3
S: IRS, are you sure this is true?
IRS: WAIT, DID WE SAY $452? WE MEANT $1,333.
S: (Dies.)

Act 1, Scene 4
S: (From heaven.) Sister, how can this be?
Sister: It’s STBEH’s fault. But double check.

Act 1, Scene 5
S: STBEH, are you sure this is true?
STBEH: Yes.
S: You screwed me.
STBEH: You screwed me first.
S: Fair enough.

Act 1, Scene 6
IRS: Betcha wish you’d gotten that divorce taken care of earlier, eh? Whomp-waaaah.

Act 1, Scene 7:
S: So, that was my day.
NYEG: Yeah, you should probably get that divorce taken care of. But everything will be okay because I am wonderful and caring and level-headed and gentle and because I seem to like you for reasons that are completely inexplicable, but are still true.
S: (Comes back to life.)

***

Act 2, Scene 1
(The next day.)
S: Wait, I make more money than my W2 says my reported earnings are.
Audience: (Uproarious laughter.)

***

Act 3, Scene 1
(Same day, except it feels much later, as time is now moving at a paradoxically simultaneous warp speed and unbelievable sluggishness.)
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: (Crickets.)

Act 3, Scene 2
S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEE AND I DON’T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL SKILLS TO MANAGE THIS BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY PARENTS WHO WERE RAISED BY CHILDREN OF THE DEPRESSION SO I’LL DO WHAT THE REST OF MY GENERATION DOES, WHICH IS WHINE ON FACEBOOK.
Facebok: Word.

Act 3, Scene 3
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: (Crickets.)

Act 3, Scene 4
S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE SO I’LL TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND WHINE INAPPROPRIATELY TO COWORKERS BECAUSE I’M INCREASINGLY MORE DESPERATE WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES AND ALSO MY FACE IS STILL SWOLLEN FROM CRYING FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT YESTERDAY.
Coworkers: This same thing happened to that dude who just quit. So good luck with that. Also, you might want to do something about your face sitch.

Act 3, Scene 5
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: (Crickets.)

Act 3, Scene 6
S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEEE SO I’LL WHINE TO MY BOSSES IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING AS A COMPLETE NON-SEQUITUR BECAUSE NOW I AM INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW AND AM ALSO ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.  AGAIN.
Bosses: You need to ask a different person. Also, this was inappropriate.

Act 3, Scene 7
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: Because your health insurance was deducted from your paycheck on a pre-tax basis, which amounts to $3,000.
S: Oh.

***

Act 4, Scene 1
IRS: PAY. NOW.
Company: You are a moron.
STBEH: I still hate you but I will take care of this problem because you are so poor and also because I really didn’t mean to screw you over and therefore hope to remind you that I am a naturally benevolent person whom you rejected, which will probably adversely affect your life forever.
NYEG: I still inexplicably like you. I think.
S: (Notices ringworm developing on inside of her left forearm.) Life is so fun lately! I am an asshole!

THE END.

***

If you know Kathleen at all, you’d know she’s pretty hard to live up to.

She is one of the most beautiful, patient, intelligent women on the planet (just like her mom! Hi mom!). This, inherently, presents a problem for me: When people know my sister and then subsequently meet me, they seem to project her qualities on to me. “Nice to meet you David!” they would say. “What book are you reading?” That’s when I casually look aside, order a beer and say, “ESPN.com.”

My sister is starting a whole series of guest blog posts and fairly recently she asked if I would like to write one. I immediately said yes, but wanted to make sure I had heard her right. After all, we’re not a whole lot alike; what would I have to say of interest?

Before an indoor soccer game

“I’m not in any book clubs, you know.” “Yes, I don’t mind.” “I can’t really cook anything but pasta.” “Then don’t write about that.” “I can barely take care of myself and my puppy.” “What?” “You’re a nurse. It’s what you do.” “So?” “So I was just pointing out our differences in a theoretical conversation with you, trying to impress upon your readers that we’re different and finding some common ground to write about would be tough.” “Oh, gotcha. Carry on then.”

Anyway, if you ever start dating someone or meet a good friend’s spouse, you always want to press them on the hilarious, behind-the-scenes things they wouldn’t ever tell you. So here’s a little about me and my sister Kapachino, behind-the-scenes, with the one common ground I’m sure we all have: A love for Kathleen.

• For some odd reason, we got stuck in the same chemistry class in high school. And because our teacher alphabetized seating, we sat next to each other at a two-person table. And let me tell you: If you ever want to compare yourself to someone, sitting next to them in a chemistry class will provide you any number of benchmarks.
• She made an ‘A’ in the class. I made a ‘B+’. And that’s probably the best representation of us I can think of.
• My sister always had an incredible voice (and she still does!). It allowed us to get closer than we ever probably would have been because we could play music together (and still do).
• Re-designing this blog for her made me realize just how picky she can actually be sometimes.
• Growing up, when it was early in the morning or if she would talk back, my Dad called her “Snippy Kins.”


Mother's Day a few years ago

• Kathleen eats cereal like a champ. Every morning before going to high school she would always, always have a bowl.
• Speaking of going to high school, we both rode with our friend (and at the time, probably one of her best friends) Erika before we could drive ourselves. Erika dictated what music we would listen to (with good reason; she was driving us to school), and occasionally she would put on rap. I think this is where I developed my love for the genre and Kathleen began to develop her distaste for it.
• A distaste I’m positive still exists today.
• When we were younger, my sister and I were always on a team against my brother. We were an athletic bunch so we liked to play games all the time, but it was so unfair: my sister and I (only 14 months apart) against our baby brother Barry (effectively two years younger). It was outstanding.
• About that same era, we used to get our brother to do stuff for us by challenging him. Let’s say we wanted a glass of water or a coke. We’d say to him: “I bet you can’t get it to us fast!” And he’d sprint off to get it and we’d “time” him. We’d always try to get him to “beat his last time.” This was also outstanding.
  

  David, Kathleen, and Barry

• I’ll end with one of the greatest life lessons I’ve ever learned, taught to me by my sister. One day we were both up at church and I wanted to tell her something. She wasn’t around me at the time, so I scoured the church for her and eventually found her tucked away in a back room where, if you wanted to talk to her, you really had to look. She was crying, curled up on a couch. I had never seen my sister cry; she was always very strong and in control. I came in the room, sat down, and asked her what was wrong. She started to tell me, and I would interject every once in a while trying to ease her feelings. She would start talking again and then I would comment again and she’d have to start talking again and eventually she just turned to me, stared me down and said: “Shut up! I don’t always need you to fix things. Sometimes, women just have to talk. And all you have to do is listen.”

My sister and I at her wedding