It’s a milestone. Kind of a big one, although I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because 30 seems so…adult. So…old? Nah. I don’t feel old. I mean, I’ve been living like a grandma for years, but I feel great.

Nevertheless, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this birthday. Kind of evaluating my life, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is fantastic. I’m healthy. I’m married to a man with a heart of gold who loves me like I never dreamed I would be loved. We have an adorable, healthy baby who gives us endless joy. We have amazing families who are our best friends. I have a steady job that is challenging and fulfilling. These and many, many other blessings.

My life isn’t perfect. I wish we were out of debt and had money to travel and save for retirement and Meredith’s future. I wish I didn’t have to work so much and that my job wasn’t so far away. I wish I had more time for hobbies. I wish I could figure out how to cook on a regular basis. Like anyone, my relationships have their struggles. But all of these things are trivial compared to the good in my life.

I wish I was at a point where I could make some concrete goals for the next year, or even month – but I’m trying to be true to myself and right now I know that would just stress me out. I’m happy with the way things are going, though. I’m doing really well documenting life lately – I’ve started Project Life, am taking lots of photos, capture at least one good thing a day as well as writing down what happened that day. I’ve lost over half of the weight I gained while pregnant and am back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I find time to read. I soak up my time with David and Meredith. We are looking hard for a new church.

I’m just really, really happy to be alive. And I think thirty is going to be the best year yet.

Me, with smug satisfaction: …and I even showered, and shaved my legs, and plucked my eyebrows, and completely groomed myself!

David: Honey, MOST people do that.

Me, not quite so smug: Well, so do I, OBVIOUSLY. Just…not all the time.

***

Because of some things that have happened lately I have been examining myself and how I handle conflict. I have come to the conclusion that it is near impossible to make me angry, and I am probably the most forgiving person I know. I’m not saying that to brag, because it can actually be a significant fault. I will look for any and every excuse to not be upset with someone, even if they really don’t deserve it. And if someone, like my husband, is upset with a person for good reason, I will immediately take up that person’s cause in order to smooth things over, when what I should really be doing is supporting my husband. There’s nothing I hate more than a broken relationship, but I need to make sure not to let that come in between my most important relationships of all.

***

I took my computer to the Apple store in the mall yesterday to visit the Genius Bar. It was kind of embarrassing because it’s like 5 years old, the edges of the keyboard are peeling off, there is a huge black line through the screen where it got bent, and it’s just overall obviously old, dirty, and slow. I felt sort of bad for it in there with all the shiny new things. This one still works, though, and I feel an affection for it since it saw me through nursing school. I even named it, although now I know someone with that name so I’ll keep it to myself. But it had stopped connecting to the internet at our house which is quite inconvenient. I’m saving up for a new one, but it’s slow going. Anyway, the point of this whole thing is that I was in the mall, and there was Christmas music playing and all the holiday decorations were up. I’m not against premature holiday-celebrating, but it did kind of surprise me, and then I realized that Thanksgiving is only two weeks away so it’s not truly premature. I think I must be in another world somewhere and time is passing without me realizing it.

***

You must have noticed that this post is of the random variety, so I can’t let it pass without talking about the baby. Specifically, that her hair is out of control. It is completely bald on one side, sort of bald on the other side, and the rest of it is getting SO long. It swoops completely to one side like an emo kid, has a huge swirling cowlick in the back that refuses to be tamed, and basically from the side she looks like she has a horse’s mane. It is what it is, but still, we’re into hats these days.

Since then I’ve seen a bunch of other people follow her lead, which I think is awesome. I’m here to make my own confessions. I’m so not perfect, don’t have it all together, and there are a bunch of areas that I want to improve. BUT, I’m happy with my life and I like myself. I hope you do, too. (Like YOURSELF. I hope you like me too, but that’s not what I meant.)

***

I don’t walk our dogs, hardly ever.

I barely cook anymore. We eat packaged foods or shamelessly invite ourselves to dinner at our parents’ house. (I wonder how long I will use “new baby” as an excuse?)

I sometimes let Meredith cry when I’m trying to finish getting something done.

I don’t always give my husband the attention that he wants and needs.

I’m not interested in makeup, and I hardly ever buy new clothes.

I haven’t exercised since halfway through my pregnancy.

I don’t eat a lot of vegetables, and I do eat my favorite three C’s: chocolate, cheese, and carbs.

I don’t floss.

I can’t break my paper towel habit.

Sometimes if I find a mess made by the dogs in the morning when I’m in a rush I won’t clean it up until later.

I’m not good at creative or personal gifts.

Our house is covered in a thin layer of dog hair. And the windowsills are chewed, as is the rug, the carpet, and the coffee table. Only a couple rooms are “finished” and the backyard is a disaster.

***

And to be honest, there are other things that I’m too embarrassed to mention publicly! But I think it’s time we all make our confessions. What are yours?

7 people I’d like to meet:

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>Emily Henderson – the HGTV host, whose style I love and who seems totally cool.

>Christy Nockels – an amazing singer and worship leader, and someone I’ve always admired.

>Kristin Chenoweth – the singer and actress who I’ve had a girl-crush on ever since I saw her on Broadway.

>Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken – a husband and wife, both musicians I love, and even though I’ve technically met Derek I’m convinced that my husband and I could be friends with the two of them if we were able to hang out.

>Beth Moore – I’ve been to so many of her Bible studies in person, she’s had a tremendous effect on my faith, but I’ve never met her in person.

>Robert Downey, Jr. – just have to put one of my celebrity crushes here on principle, even though I probably don’t really want to meet him to ruin the image I have of him.

>Too many bloggers to count – you are all lovely and I wish you’d all move to Texas!

7 places I’d like to visit:

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>Italy – number one on my list for the history, scenery, and FOOD.

>California coast – we’d love to drive the entire west coast, and were actually planning a trip before I got pregnant.

>Appalachian Trail – I’ve wanted to hike parts of this after reading A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.

>Chicago - I’m a fan of big cities and this is one I haven’t made it to yet.

>Australia – my third-grade pen pal is from here, so I’ve always wanted to visit.

>Greece, again – I went with a friend in 2003 and it was the best vacation ever.

>Yellowstone National Park – my husband’s family has been on trips here and they all rave about it. Plus I’m a nature-lovin’ gal!

7 things I’d like to make:

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>An advent calendar – I own the fabric to the one pictured, but I have no sewing machine to put it together.

>Thanksgiving dinner – although cooking an entire turkey terrifies me.

>A whole bunch of cards for every occasion, especially birthdays.

>An encouragement box for my husband.

>A map to hang and pin the places we’ve visited.

>A square foot garden.

>Lots more babies!

7 things I’d like to own:

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>A bigger cloth diaper stash (how sad that this is the first thing I thought of).

>Boots: UGG classic talls & riding boots. Fall approaches.

>Cooking supplies: griddle, glass food storage, hand blender, jelly roll pans, pizza stone, dutch oven, & plenty more since I’m just getting into cooking.

>New carpet – this really should be at the top of the list.

>Pretty bedroom furniture, instead of the TV-trays-as-nightstands and heavy bachelor dresser.

>Dining room table & chairs, since it would be nice to host more than two people and have them be able to sit down to eat.

>A cardigan in every color – the Jackie sweater by J. Crew is perfect.

7 things that annoy me:

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>Beeping sounds – I swear I hear IV pumps in my dreams.

>Smoking – just, ugh.

>Clutter – I start to feel claustrophobic when there’s too much of it.

>Asymmetry – one of my OCD tendencies.

>When the dogs bark for no reason, especially when it’s quiet and MOST especially when the baby is sleeping.

>Door-to-door solicitors, which is against our neighborhood’s policy. I hardly ever actually answer the door.

>Unnecessary cursing. I understand if you are using it to express a point that cannot be said any other way, but it should be reserved for those situations that need emphasis.

7 films I love:

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>Tombstone – a classic Western, and every time I watch it I lament the fact that Val Kilmer got fat.

>Braveheart – I don’t know if I can think of a better story.

>Best In Show – hilarious, especially for dog lovers.

>Spaceballs – a childhood favorite.

>Moulin Rouge – love the visuals and the music.

>Pirates of the Caribbean – a comfort movie.

>Secretariat – my newest favorite, and an utter feel-good film.

7 things that delight me:

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>Fat, furry animals always cheer me up.

>A magazine coming in the mail.

>When my husband brings home a treat for me (I love that he loves to spoil me).

>Baby smiles – really the best thing ever.

>Taking a walk on a pretty day – this hasn’t happened in a LONG time and I miss it.

>Cracking open a new book – such anticipation.

>My morning oatmeal and coffee – looking forward to this every morning makes it much easier to get out of bed.

7 favorite songs:

>”Shameless” by Garth Brooks

>”Stay” by Lisa Loeb

>”Suitcase” by Over the Rhine

>”Jealous of the Moon” by Nickel Creek

>”Sunday Morning” by Sandra McCracken

>”Candle in the Wind” by Elton John

>”For the Longest Time” by Billy Joel

7 funny words:

>nibble

>bumfuzzle

>rumpus

>pickle

>cahoots

>poodle

>blubber

Age: 29

Bed size: King, a Tempur-Pedic, and probably my favorite thing that we own.

Chore you hate: Cleaning the shower & tub. I hate bending over and scrubbing!

Dogs: You know it! Oliver, Eddie, and Cleo. Sadly, Oliver and Cleo are currently separated.

Those were the days, when they all got along...

Essential start to your day: A hot shower. It wakes me up and gets me moving.

Favorite color: Soft – but not pastel – blues and greens.

Gold or silver: Usually silver, but lately I’ve discovered a taste for delicate gold jewelry.

From Jeneri Jewelry's Etsy, one of my favorites!

Height: 5’4″

Instruments you play: I played clarinet for many, many years and I probably still could, although not nearly as well anymore. I sing better than anything else.

Job title: Registered nurse.

Kids: Expecting a girl in July!

Live: Suburbs of Houston, Texas.

Movie recently watched: My husband rented The Tourist for me last weekend because he knows I love Johnny Depp. How sweet of him to indulge my celebrity crushes, right?

I give it 3 stars. Worth picking up at Redbox!

Night time habits: Putting on a fresh coat of lip balm.

Overnight hospital stays: I stayed with my husband lots of nights when he got his hips replaced, and I spent a night in observation recently for suspected appendicitis.

Pet peeve: When people drive recklessly fast, or incredibly loud engines.

Quote from a movie/show: “Oh, you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. And you? You’re always right!” –Spaceballs

Righty or Lefty: Righty!

Siblings: I love my brothers! They are way cooler than I am.

David, 27

Barry, 25

Pictures taken from CultureMap Houston, where they write a weekly sports column.

Time you wake up: On work days 5 a.m. and on weekends around 8 a.m.

Underwear: My favorites are from GapBody.

Vegetables you dislike: Many, but especially anything in the squash family or cooked spinach.

What makes you run late: Not being able to drag myself out of bed at the right time. I’m a morning person, but 5 a.m. is just too early.

X-rays you’ve had: Routine teeth x-rays, my jaw for TMJ, and my spine for migraines .

Yummy food you make: Enchilada casserole is probably my best dish. I never claimed to be a sophisticated cook. :)

Zoo animal favorite: I love seeing the elephants and giraffes because they seem so exotic, but can you really beat Toby the red panda for cuteness?

Aww! Love the Houston Zoo.

I meant to…

• Declutter the whole house, but I only did my bathroom and one drawer in the kitchen
• Exercise once a week, but I only did yoga once
• Walk the dogs twice a week, but I only took Oliver twice
• Accomplish two nagging tasks, but I didn’t do any of them

I’m okay with this. These are just going to have to become ongoing goals. I discovered that I’m really not going to be getting much done after work during the week other than daily chores, and if I don’t block out some time on the weekends to work on projects then the time will be taken up by social outings or TV show marathons.

In other news, my birthday is on Saturday so I’m celebrating all week long as usual. Even though I was given a not-so-welcome gift of freezing cold weather, I’m still having a great week. Work has been going so well, David and I have had a couple of relaxing nights together, I have some fun plans for this weekend, and I let myself order a few things that I’ve had my eye on. I love birthday week.

I have no pregnancy updates for you, considering I’m still not really showing and I haven’t felt the baby move yet. It’s pretty hard not to get anxious about it, but I’m trying my best because I know this is normal. I could do without the almost-daily hormonal headaches, but it’s an even trade for the return of my voracious appetite.

Anyway, to bring this bit of rambling full circle, this month I plan to continue working on the house, focus on my marriage a la The Happiness Project, and hopefully thoroughly enjoy myself. How about you?

As I mentioned in my resolutions post, one of the things I’m doing this year is reading Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project and creating my own based on her method. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, there is a chapter for each month of the year and each month is about a different area of life. Then you  make resolutions for the month based on that area, and it is all supposed to work toward a happier life.

January’s focus is vitality, or boosting energy. To summarize Gretchen, when you have energy everything is better and easier so it makes sense to start with this. I realize that I should have read the chapter before January 1st so I could start on my resolutions right away, but that didn’t happen. So I’m a little behind this month, but that’s okay. It’s a work in progress.

My January resolutions:

1. Walk at least one of our dogs twice a week (more if possible)
2. Start exercising (yoga or swimming) at least once a week
3. Seriously purge and declutter
4. Create a command central binder
5. Accomplish three nagging tasks

As you can see, my resolutions relate to physical and mental energy. Everyone’s needs are different; notice that I didn’t include anything about getting more sleep, because I already get a lot and that’s something that I’m really good at. I’m especially excited about the organizing & decluttering, but I better get working!

I’m so excited about this project. Have any of you read the book or created happiness projects of your own?

I have this thing with symmetry. It’s kind of like an OCD tendency. It expresses itself in many different ways, like if I’m walking and my right foot scuffs the ground I don’t feel right until my left foot scuffs the ground too. I have these urges all the time, but for the most part I can resist them. The one area I never resist, though, is with eating. I must have the same amount of food, texture, and taste on both sides of my mouth. I’m very adept at it by now, so that it is almost an unconscious act.

Second.

I was in a play in college. It was called The Dining Room and it was a portrait of WASPs. There were essentially many different scenes in it, without recurring characters, but every one was centered around a dining room table. I played a flirty middle-aged woman, a high schooler skipping school to drink with her friend, and a maid. I wanted to keep acting and try out for the musical, but playing soccer prevented me. I’m in love with theatre and now live vicariously through my brother, who works in the industry.

Third.

If you were to ask me what my favorite physical feature on myself is, I’d probably say my eyebrows. My mom told me a long time ago that I have nice eyebrows, and I’ve been proud of them ever since. I’ve never once gotten them waxed, but I pluck them diligently–almost every day. Recently, however, my tweezers broke and I decided to ask for new ones for Christmas instead of buying them myself because I am cheap. In the meantime, I’m using some extra forceps from work. They are huge and awkward and don’t grab very well. But they’ll hold me over.

But then this year happened. We had a miscarriage, David dealt with debilitating pain and got both of his hips replaced, I developed food intolerances, and sunk into depression. My job, in which I formerly thrived, became a huge source of stress to me. I was the chair of a single committee, and even that was too much. Eventually, as you know, I went so far as to take a new job–one that I hope will be calmer.

I’ve been feeling guilty about the decision. I’m not even thirty years old yet! I should have tons of energy! And yet here I am, wiped out at the end of every day, needing a regular schedule and less stress in my days. How am I ever going to be like Super Nurse?

But then I realized that I have no idea what her life is like outside of work. Her job could be everything, her whole identity.

I love being a nurse. I think it’s the perfect vocation for me, and it’s a fantastic profession. But it’s only part of me. I have way too many other interests and priorities to let it consume me.

I want to be home every evening and weekend when David is there. I want to be more involved in my church. I want to read more, to see more shows, listen to more live music, run more races, take my dogs to the park more, make my house look pretty, learn to cook, and I even want to watch more TV. I want to have children, for goodness sake.

I’ll probably never be like Super Nurse, but I’m okay with that. I’ll still be a darn good one.

So today, since I was by myself, she billed my visit with a special code called “family without patient,” even though I’ve become the patient. Funny.

I didn’t make a follow-up appointment, at least not yet. I don’t know what else to say to her right now. I know what my problem is. We’ve had an extremely difficult year, David and I, with too much going on. So I’ve been dealing with those things.

Some of them are resolving on their own. For example, David is up and around and again, so I no longer have to do all the housework and errands and dog-caring myself. And with him working a lot of the anxiety I had over finances has dissipated.

Some things I had to change to make myself happy. The biggest thing I did was interview for and accept a new job. Starting November 8th I’ll be transferring to my hospital’s outpatient cancer center, where I’ll be giving chemotherapy, blood transfusions, and the like. This is the sort of job that I get to graduate to since I put in my dues with inpatient. I’ll get every weekend and every holiday off, and hopefully my days will be less hectic and will involve less death and dying.

(I do want to mention, though, that I have loved the unit that I work on, am grateful for all the experience it gave me, and will miss a lot of people there. But it’s just crazy.)

I’ve also learned to change a lot of behavior, or at least I’m working on it. I’ve realized that it’s okay to cut myself some slack when it comes to the house being perfectly clean or with exercising every free day I get. And although I’m trying hard to follow my nutritionist’s advice and eat gluten- and dairy-free, I decided that there’s some things I’m just not willing to give up. I’ll just do my best.

The one thing that I still deal with every single day is infertility. It blows my mind that if I hadn’t have miscarried I’d be a mother now. But I’m not, and I don’t know when I will be. These days, when I experience moments of overwhelming sadness it’s usually related to this.

But at least it’s an improvement over being sad all the time for no discernible reason at all.