Our experience this time around was much different than the last. We didn’t have near as many visitors and much less attention from the hospital staff. We aren’t having meals provided for us, but we didn’t ask. We knew what to expect this time so we have done some things differently making for an easier transition, and I’m only taking one week off work.

David had better pain control this time once the first several hours post-op passed, and he didn’t have the persistent fevers like before, so we were ready to leave the hospital on Saturday. That morning they took his catheter out, so before they could release us he had to prove to them that he could pee on his own. He told me, “Hey, if you have to pee, go in the urinal.” Of course as a nurse I staunchly refused such trickery. But then later I caught him holding cold water underneath his tongue right before they came to take his vital signs. When I questioned him he said he didn’t want them to keep him there needlessly if he had a fever.

I married a sneaky patient, but at least we got to come home early!

Yesterday I got let off work early, so I came home with an entire evening to do whatever I wanted since I hadn’t planned on being there. I thought about cleaning, or starting on a project around the house, but in the end my exhaustion won me over again and David and I collapsed on the couch with Chinese food.

Even though I haven’t done much about it, for the past few days I’ve felt the urge to create. This is not to be confused with being creative, because I am nothing of the sort. I don’t ever come up with ideas on my own. No, I’ve just had the desire to make something with my own two hands. So this weekend I’m going to try to wake up out of my trance, and these are some ideas I had:

Cook something. I’m embarrassed to admit how long it’s been since I’ve done this. I am not a cook and don’t pretend to be one, although I’d like to one day get to the point where it’s no longer a stressful activity. However, when I have the time and there’s no pressure, I find putting together a meal quite satisfying.

Work on the front room of the house. I love this room, but I never spend time there. It has a grand piano and a wall covered in bookshelves. I would love to add a cozy place to sit and read, but am not sure how. It also needs some decorating, and I’m sure I could find some things around the house to spruce it up.

Break out my clarinet. I played this lovely instrument for ten years until I dropped out of band halfway through college, but that was more due to the inconvenience of practice times than distaste for playing. My favorite band Over the Rhine features a clarinet solo in their song “Desperate For Love” and ever since I heard it I wanted to learn how to play that part.

Compile favorite quotes & inspiration photos. The other day I was reading Holly’s post about making a graphic sign for your wall and I got to thinking, what quote would I choose if I were to make one of these? That led me to thinking about all my favorite quotes, from books, songs, plays, movies, etc. and how I’d like to have them all written down somewhere to read through. It also got me thinking about what I want to put on my own walls and what I want my house to look like, for that matter.

The usual hobbies, cross-stitching and card-making. I joined a Stampin’ Up club so I’ve recently become the owner of an idea book & catalog for putting together cards and it has me wanting to break out all my neglected supplies. And of course my cross-stitching project isn’t going to finish itself!

Hopefully I’ll find myself doing one or more of these things in the coming weeks. But first, I need to clean my house because I’m one of those people that can’t go to sleep if there are dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. No way will I be able to let myself play around if the floor is still coated in dog hair. :)

Yesterday I got let off work early, so I came home with an entire evening to do whatever I wanted since I hadn’t planned on being there. I thought about cleaning, or starting on a project around the house, but in the end my exhaustion won me over again and David and I collapsed on the couch with Chinese food.

Even though I haven’t done much about it, for the past few days I’ve felt the urge to create. This is not to be confused with being creative, because I am nothing of the sort. I don’t ever come up with ideas on my own. No, I’ve just had the desire to make something with my own two hands. So this weekend I’m going to try to wake up out of my trance, and these are some ideas I had:

Cook something. I’m embarrassed to admit how long it’s been since I’ve done this. I am not a cook and don’t pretend to be one, although I’d like to one day get to the point where it’s no longer a stressful activity. However, when I have the time and there’s no pressure, I find putting together a meal quite satisfying.

Work on the front room of the house. I love this room, but I never spend time there. It has a grand piano and a wall covered in bookshelves. I would love to add a cozy place to sit and read, but am not sure how. It also needs some decorating, and I’m sure I could find some things around the house to spruce it up.

Break out my clarinet. I played this lovely instrument for ten years until I dropped out of band halfway through college, but that was more due to the inconvenience of practice times than distaste for playing. My favorite band Over the Rhine features a clarinet solo in their song “Desperate For Love” and ever since I heard it I wanted to learn how to play that part.

Compile favorite quotes & inspiration photos. The other day I was reading Holly’s post about making a graphic sign for your wall and I got to thinking, what quote would I choose if I were to make one of these? That led me to thinking about all my favorite quotes, from books, songs, plays, movies, etc. and how I’d like to have them all written down somewhere to read through. It also got me thinking about what I want to put on my own walls and what I want my house to look like, for that matter.

The usual hobbies, cross-stitching and card-making. I joined a Stampin’ Up club so I’ve recently become the owner of an idea book & catalog for putting together cards and it has me wanting to break out all my neglected supplies. And of course my cross-stitching project isn’t going to finish itself!

Hopefully I’ll find myself doing one or more of these things in the coming weeks. But first, I need to clean my house because I’m one of those people that can’t go to sleep if there are dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. No way will I be able to let myself play around if the floor is still coated in dog hair. :)

0405 – I get a phone call from work saying our census has dropped to 10 patients and would I like to stay home today? I think that I should probably go to work to save up my time for David’s surgery, but I am physically incapable of refusing at that hour. I agree to stay home.

0408 – I suddenly realize my entire GI tract is churning. I can’t sleep. Spend the next two hours in the bathroom with fluid (and other things) coming out both ends.

0615 – I finally can lie down in bed again without having to jump right back up. Fall asleep.

1030 – David comes in to check on me and I realize I should get up. I hug a blanket around me and walk out to the living room. My stomach is still off and my head hurts. I sit on the couch and talk to David while Oliver tries to sit in my lap and eat my hands.

1100 – I make a bowl of oatmeal because I need to eat to take another dose of metformin (aka the evil cause of my gastrointestinal difficulties). I stare at it for awhile. I get two bites down, and swallow two Excedrin since I can’t tolerate coffee. The metformin is not happening yet.

1130 – Screw this, I get back in bed.

1200 – I remember I have prescription anti-nausea meds! Total score. I consider taking Phenergan which might put me to sleep for awhile, a not unappealing prospect, but settle on Zofran since it’s stronger. Get back in bed.

1240 – I catch up on my Words With Friends games.

1245 – I do some Bible reading.

1300 – I get out of bed, eat my cold oatmeal, and return some emails.

1345 – Begrudgingly take my metformin.

1350 – Settle in to watch The Young Victoria and cross stitch.

1540 – Movie ends, and praise God I feel like eating something! Applesauce, tortilla chips, and hummus.

1550 – Put on Arrested Development season 1, disc 1. Didn’t know Michael Cera was in this. Huh. He bothers me.

1830 – Visit from my mom. I realize I am still in my pajamas, haven’t showered, and don’t intend to. Oh, well.

1845 – Disc 1 of Arrested Development ends. I relinquish control of the TV and David puts on the Texans game. I watch it with him even though it’s only the preseason because I am the ultimate in lazy.

1945 – I can’t put off eating anymore. A bowl of cereal it is, and I go ahead and take my second metformin. Hoping the nausea stays away so I can make it to work tomorrow.

2115 – Have an intense text conversation with a coworker about one of our patients and our chances of getting called off work again.

2130 – I’ve had enough of football, so I brush my teeth, get in bed with Cleo, and read some of Gilead.

2200 – My stomach has been churning for a little while, so I take another Zofran, turn out the lights, and try to sleep. I am successful.

My all-time favorite book is The Lord of the Rings, and it’s been a deep sadness of mine that David doesn’t share my love. He’s never shown any interest in reading the book, and according to him he “suffered” through the first movie when it came out in the theater.

But it’s been a month since he’s had to be home from work, and he recently got it into his head that he’d watch the top 50 movies from imdb.com. Guess what? All three of the LOTR movies are on there. And since I already own them, he started watching them at home all by himself. I was so proud!

The best part is, he actually likes them now. He uses subtitles so he can keep track of all the names and places and he doesn’t mind them being so long since he’s in the comfort of his own home and can pause anytime he wants to. He even started reading The Hobbit! And yesterday he took a trip to Half Price Books and came back with The Children of Húrin, the only book about Middle Earth that I haven’t read because it was published after Tolkien’s death.

I know it took a lot for him not to buy anything for himself, but he saw this and had to get it for me. He’s the sweetest. :)

***

I’ve been making more progress on my hopelessly antiquated cross stitch project. It’s not my style at all, but it was free & still so much fun to see it come together. Working on it in front of a movie has become my new favorite way to unwind, and I’ve already found some projects I want to take on after this one is complete. Some of them are: Sherlock Holmes silhouette, birdhouse tree, hidden lily, and so many things from this Etsy shop.

***

It’s true that our pups aren’t always a source of happiness, like when I’m trying to sleep in and they decide to use my bed as a wrestling ring, or when we’re trying to relax and they won’t stop pawing at us, or when we’re watching a movie and someone walks by outside and they flip out like it’s the most! exciting! thing! ever! but gosh, I love them so much that I can’t imagine life without them.

Every cuddle, every lick, the way Oliver lies upside down all twisted, the way Eddie tilts her head to one side, how when Cleo gets excited her whole body wags, I can’t get enough of any of it. Our house may be covered in a thin layer of fur, and we may not always get the peace and quiet we think we want, but it’s so worth it.

***

All pictures taken on the Hipstamatic app from my iPhone.

(Wow, now I really do feel old. Do I have nothing better to write about than this? Ah, well.)

Reproductive Endocrinologist

First up I went to follow up regarding my most recent cycle. As my doctor said, “the plot thickens” and I’m left a lot more to think about than when I went in.

Regarding what happened with my failed cycle, apparently my body didn’t respond to Clomid and I didn’t end up ovulating at all. My uterine lining didn’t even thicken. She was really surprised, but it happens. But before we can move on to the next cycle, we have to deal with something that was seen on my ultrasound which is possibly a uterine septum. I had never heard of this before, but it is a birth defect where there is a piece of tissue separating the uterus and puts you at a very high risk of miscarriage. It’s not diagnosed by an ultrasound but by an HSG, which is a test where they inject dye through my cervix and take an x-ray. I’ve already had an HSG, and nothing was mentioned about uterine septum on the report. So my doctor wants to take a look at the films herself, and if there is any suspicion at all she’ll have me repeat the procedure. If I do have uterine septum I’ll undergo minor surgery to have it fixed and that will be that.

In the meantime she put me on a medication called glucophage which is normally an antidiabetic drug but will also help sensitize my body to Clomid. If I don’t have uterine septum, once I work up to the full dose of glucophage I’ll take another med (prometrium) to induce my period and then start on the highest dose of Clomid they prescribe. Then we’ll go from there just like the last time.

Oh, and apparently one of my labs (prolactin) came back slightly elevated, which she thinks might be an error so she wants it repeated at the beginning of my next cycle. I have no idea what happens if it comes back abnormal again.

Wasn’t that fun to read about? Now, moving on to David’s situation.

Orthopedic Surgeon

The good news is that David has been cleared to walk and drive! I know he’s happy to be mobile again, and I’m happy to have my errand boy back. ;) But for a month he’s had to put all his weight on his left leg, and the disease is in that hip as well. For the past week it’s been hurting him more and more, so we decided to go ahead and get that one replaced as soon as possible.

His surgery is scheduled for September 2. Two weeks away.

I can’t wait until it’s over with, and even though his doctor told us he’d most likely have a pretty rough recovery we both know that he needs to just do it because his pain is only going to get worse. He’s off work this whole time – unpaid – and he needs to get back and get 100%.

What we’re praying for is another successful surgery, easy recovery, and for financial provision. Our budget is already on lockdown because we weren’t prepared to be living off one salary, and I don’t know how long we can last without going into significant debt (we already have some). It’s another area that we’re learning to sacrifice and trust.

***

If you made it through this whole boring post, it probably means you actually care about what’s going on with us, and for that I am truly, deeply grateful! All of your comments, emails, texts, and phone calls have lifted me up and kept me going. Over the past few days I’ve found a lot of peace and comfort, and I am content with my life and whatever it has in store for me.

Every day is a new, grand adventure. :)

I do have two degrees from two different schools, but my nursing school experience was nontraditional so I won’t be talking about that here.

1. Where did you go to college?
I went to Tabor College in Hillsboro, Kansas. It had about 500 students in a town of 3000 surrounded by farmland. We literally ran around the entire town during some soccer conditioning practices.

David's first visit to Tabor last year.

2. What did you study?
I majored in Christian ministry and philosophy. I originally wanted to work at a Christian camp, but my education was actually geared toward leading youth groups in churches. I now consider nursing my ministry, and I help lead our church youth group as a volunteer.

The whole philosophy thing was just for fun. I had a great professor and it was a pretty small load of hours.

3. Was college really all that it was cracked up to be?
Definitely. I chose the perfect school, and I thrived. You’d think that a place that small and that different from what I’m used to would be boring, but I made the best friends and got really involved in activities (soccer, choir, band, leading a local church youth group, intramural sports, even drama). I also learned so much and I know I’m a better person because of the classes and professors at Tabor. I consider it my life degree.

4. How far were you from home?
I just mapped it, and it’s 675 miles. It took about eleven hours driving.

I feel like I know every inch of this drive, and all its variations.

5. Did you have the same roommate all four years?
No; the first semester I was paired with another soccer player, Katie, and although we had some good times we didn’t work as roommates at all. She was the kind of person who would ask you a question and then walk away while you were in the middle of answering her.

We went our separate ways, and I moved in with a friend I’d made named Sara. She and I lived together the first semester of sophomore year too, until she went to pharmacy school. I got one semester in my own room, then junior year I lived in a house with three good friends and roomed with my best friend Becca. That was the best year.

Me with my housemates from junior year.

First semester senior year I lived with a friend named Iva in a room meant for one person. We had fun, but she moved home second semester and I was again alone.

6. Where did you order food from at 2am?
I never ordered food, but we did have some late night McDonald’s runs. That was until the McDonald’s went out of business (can you imagine a place where a McDonald’s actually goes out of business??)

7. Did you date in college or were you tied down?
I had a pattern: I dated a different guy at the beginning of every year but we were always broken up by Christmas, and not by my choice. I learned a lot about heartbreak in college.

8. Funniest drunk college moment?
I’ve actually never been drunk. Tabor required us to sign a lifestyle contract (it was a Christian school) and I followed it for the most part.

9. Did you make it to class on time?
I always made it, but I didn’t always stay awake. It was interesting to look back at the notes I took from morning classes, because you could tell right where I nodded off.

10. What was your favorite class in college?
My absolute favorite was a class on the life and writings of C.S. Lewis. In second place is a class on the Book of John, which was incidentally the hardest class I took.

I’ve been back for Tabor’s homecoming every single year since I graduated; that’s how much I loved it. Some of my best friends live up there, and now my former pastor is the president of the school. Unfortunately an ex of mine who I met in college (we started dating long distance after I graduated) began borderline harassing me after we broke up – all the way until last year when I had to threaten him with getting a lawyer. I’m kind of scared to go back now because it’s a small enough place that I might bump into him and how awkward would that be?

I was crushed, but I didn’t have time to process it properly because I had to go straight to work. I worked until past 11 p.m. that night, and had to be back at 7 a.m. on Saturday. When I came home on Friday I went straight to bed hoping for at least a few hours of sleep, but instead I tossed and turned, and inevitably I started to cry. I prayed and wept and soaked in my disappointment until sometime in the early hours of the morning I fell asleep.

Come Saturday morning I was back at work, exhausted but alive. That day I found solace in my job, taking care of people in much worse situations that I’m in. I began to see the need for a different attitude, because this infertility isn’t just going to go away and I fully realize that it could be a struggle that we deal with for years and years. I can’t bear the thought of feeling the way I feel for that long.

When I finally had some time on Sunday I was searching around online for a Bible study geared toward infertile couples, and I came upon this blog post titled “What does the Bible teach us about infertility?” It hit me hard, and here are some quotes that stood out to me:

Be committed to fervent prayer concerning issues with infertility. It is God, not human technology that opens the womb.

I don’t know why, but I haven’t really been praying for this. I freely ask others to pray for me, and depend on those prayers, but when it comes down to it why don’t I have faith that God can do this for me?

While struggling with infertility, pride and jealousy are especially bothersome sins. I am not more worthy of conceiving than a teenager, welfare mom, or a mom that already has a lot of children. In God’s economy, our worth is identical.

I have spent way too much time lately feeling sorry for myself and being envious of other people. There are situations popping up all the time that have fostered the bitterness in my heart, and it’s not a pleasant way to live.

Don’t complain to others (not even your husband) about your lost dreams and sorrows. I am not talking about being dishonest with others. But there is a huge difference between stating, “We are praying for a baby,” and complaining. Complaining is grumbling and insinuating that God has not been fair. It makes others uncomfortable and, more importantly, misrepresents God. God is sufficient to carry your burdens; leave them at the cross.

It is all too easy for me to sink into depression when I feel my dream of having lots of kids slipping away. That’s where I was headed on Friday night. I believe in being transparent with others regarding my struggles, but I want to be clear that God is enough for me. He has already blessed me with so much, and I want to be a witness to the joy that hope in God gives despite difficulty. I don’t think I’ve done a good job with this lately.

Even as I write this I am praying and willing my attitude to change because I’m still feeling very sad. When it comes down to it, though, I don’t want to be sad. My husband told me the other day when I was depressed, “Kathleen, I love you, and we are going to live a happy life together.” Right now the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. Having a baby won’t fulfill me; only God can do that. All the joy I could ever want or need is found in Him, and He needs to be my priority.

And who knows but that He is preparing us for something special, beyond our wildest dreams.

I’m at the point in my life where I want to minimize things that don’t make me happy, and I’m making a big push for a simpler lifestyle. Now, I’m not willing to go completely bare-faced in public, but I decided to take steps that might allow me to one day do just that.

Enter Groupon. Y’all know about Groupon, right? For those of you that don’t, let me share the good news: just sign up and they’ll email you a deal a day for your city. But be careful, it’s addicting. Anyway, recently the deal for Houston was $40 for $85 worth of skin care services at Body Envy. Since I’d always wanted to try microdermabrasion I figured I might as well get it for cheap!

Last week I went in for a free consultation, and I talked with the esthetician about what the best treatment for my skin would be. Usually microdermabrasion is done in a package of once a month for 6 months, but since I’m cheap I only wanted a single session. So the esthetician recommended that I get a mild chemical peel on top of the microdermabrasion, which would penetrate deeper and give me more bang for my buck. Great idea! I thought.

Two days later I was back for my treatment. She cleaned my face twice, then came the microderm. She used a little machine to remove the very surface layer of skin. It stung a little in places, like near my ear and under my eyes, but it goes fast. When that was done she applied a prep for the chemical peel, and that burned like crazy. I had to fan myself and practice deep breathing techniques, but the worst soon passed. The peel itself (lactic acid) wasn’t as bad as the prep, but it wasn’t a walk in the park, either. She left it there for three minutes or so, then wiped it off with a warm towel and applied a neutralizer. After the whole thing, she put on some lotion and powdered sunscreen, gave me some samples, and taught me what to do at home for the next week.

Right away my face looked mildly puffy, but it subsided after a couple hours.

Not too bad, right? I was warned that because of the combination treatment that I might have a few little scratches on my face, but the next day I woke up to discover this:

For several days I looked like I had an unfortunate run-in with an angry cat. This is pretty much what I looked like when I returned to work, and I got a lot of questions. Mostly, “What happened to your face?” but there were also some assumptions like, “Did you fall?” and “Did your husband beat you?” Just kidding, that’s just David’s paranoia. ;)

It’s been almost a week, and although I can still feel a few rough spots the worst of it is gone.

Supposedly I’ll see the most improvement in my skin after a month or so. I can already tell that it looks clearer and more even than before, and I’m hopeful that it will decrease my need for makeup. Even though it wasn’t the most pleasant process, I really recommend it. One day I’d love to do a deeper peel, but it’ll have to be at a time that I can stay at home for a couple of weeks, because I don’t want to go in public looking like I have a disease.

As far as makeup I wear currently, I’ll put on a touch of concealer if I have a blemish, Colorescience Sunforgettable powdered sunscreen spf 30, Bare Minerals powdered foundation spf 15, a little Nars Madly blush if I’m going out, and mascara (currently Maybelline Lash Stilleto, but it changes). I’m on the hunt for an all-natural blush and mascara. I ditched eyeliner and eye shadow because that was the most annoying part for me, but right now I don’t ever see myself giving up mascara.

Here I am today, ready to head to work:

From this picture I see that I’ll have to work on those eye wrinkles (getting old!) and I could probably use some lip gloss!

Now your turn. Have you had experience with microderm or chemical peels? What do you think about reducing the amount of beauty products and makeup you use? Any recommendations you’d like to share?

***

One. After not working for awhile I’m wondering, will I remember how to do this? Will I remember how to manage my time, how to do all my skills, will I remember to do all the little pieces of charting that we’re required to do? I’m also wondering, how will people react to me today? After my two weeks off not only did I get a chemical peel that is still in the stages of healing (I know there will be some funny looks), but I’ve also decided to start wearing a lot less makeup.

Two. Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound to determine whether my follicles are ready, whatever that means. I have resisted the urge to Google the hell out of IUI’s because I don’t want to obsess over it, but it’s still hard to keep calm and think about other things. If all goes well I’ll be inseminated by the end of the week and in two weeks I could know for sure that I’m pregnant. That’s a weird thought. In two weeks the whole thing could have failed and I’ll have to deal with that disappointment. That’s a sad thought.

Three. My OpenSky shop is going to launch tomorrow, and I’ve still got some work to do before everything is set to go. Still, I’m excited to open it up to the public, so come back tomorrow to browse.

Four. Somewhere in between working, doctor’s visits, and taking care of my husband and dogs, I intend to keep running despite the heat. I’ve decided to keep playing soccer this fall, and I’m tired of being out of shape. I also miss yoga, so I’d like to start back up with that this week. (See, I have to make decisions regardless of what happens with the IUI. I can’t not play soccer because I think I’ll be pregnant by then; that’s just asking for failure.)

***

My thirty minutes are nearly up. Here’s hoping my first day of work goes well, and that I can stay awake till the end of my shift.